Sean Malstrom is at it again!
Yesterday, my email was full of letters from unhappy people that I did anti-hype of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.
Today, we got the DLC announcement with Aonuma narrating! Oh!
“That Malstrom guy… how does he know?”
Here is what we know for sure…
HARD MODE BEHIND DLC WALL means… Breath of the Wild will not be a difficult game!
And those big, beautiful Breath of the Wild strategy guides you guys bought? Those are now incomplete with all the DLC. hahahahahahahahaah
Above: Aonuma strikes up his girlish pose. “Hello. I am Aonuma. I have fucked up your Zelda YET AGAIN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Five years from now, I will say, ‘we have learned our lesson and will make a truly epic Zelda that takes inspiration from the old school Zelda.’ And you suckers will fall for it again and again! Now lets play some text adventure games! I need to make more puzzles! Water dungeons are the best!”
So why did Nintendo announce the DLC now? I actually suspect that Breath of the Wild has terrible, terrible replay value. All of Aonuma games do. The DLC helps prevent a negative backlash to the Switch’s flagship title. Instead of saying, “This game got old fast,” people will now say, “Wait for the DLC.” Nintendo can keep that up until Mario Odyssey launches and with the rest of the holiday games.
I’m not sure where this really sudden skepticism towards Breath of the Wild came from. It’s really out of nowhere and kind of confusing. Malstrom’s thought process makes no sense to me. He really does seem to believe that Aonuma is a terrible developer despite plenty of people, like myself, loving his games.
The thing that really interests me, however, is his baseless claim that the game won’t have any replay value despite not having any reason for it. That, I think, really shows just how petty he really is. It’s a Zelda game made by Aonuma, so it must be Bad.
Seeing him try to justify his claims never fails to make me laugh. “Oh, it has a cartoon bird person. I can’t take this seriously!”
“Once you learn the mechanics the game will stop being fun to play!”
I think Aonuma is full of shit and a third rate game developer. BOTW having breakable weapons everywhere is nothing more than ‘puzzle combat’. Note that what is upgraded is ‘stamina’, not actual firepower from Link. Stamina for what? For more puzzles. And what is the ‘story’? Shitty NPCs and worthless cutscenes. In the story trailer, we saw Link’s Shitty Friends and parts of Worthless Cutscenes.
Zelda’s gameplay is so bad that if it were not for Nintendo’s high production values, I can’t imagine anyone playing it.
He always tries to hide behind his own little buzzwords. Like his fixation on insisting that ‘puzzles’ ruined Zelda. It’s all very strange. I’ve noticed he hasn’t been complaining about Mario Odyssey yet. I’m kind of surprised by that, as his bizarre hatred of 3D Mario is another thing that he’s infamous for. It might be because it’s so far from release, but I find it odd how he hasn’t even given it a passing mention.
I really wonder how he’s going to write off Breath of the Wild being a hit. My assumption is that he’s just going to say ‘It’s not as big as Skyrim!’ and say he was right.