#MeToo My Masuda Story

I am coming forward in solidarity in order to pledge support for those who have accused Junichi Masuda of rape. I know it’s true, because I, alongside countless other fans and the Pokemon franchise as a whole, have been his victims.

Junichi Masuda is the man with a plan that involves a van. On days when he is supposed to be sitting inside coding each and every pokemon into Pokemon Sword and Shield he is cruising around Tokyo, looking for children dressed in Pokemon costumes to abduct. I was one of those children.

I was born in a military base to one father and one Mother. Following my Father’s decision to go AWOL, my Mother was left abandoned in Japan. She gave birth to me outside the Pokemon World Store after hanging herself from a lamp post. I fell into a bag of Trubbish dolls that had been mistaken for real trash and left outside. Immediately Junichi Masuda was there to take me in, leaving my Mother’s body to rot.

He began raping me as I was able to squeeze into the smallest possible Pikachu costume. I, and several other young Pokemon fans, spent our time either being raped or playing Pokemon while in costume. Masuda would come in every day, before, during, and after work hours in order to have his way with us in turn. After his abnormally small penis was done with us, which usually took about three seconds, he deleted all of our files on Pokemon and told us to start over.

Masuda hates the old games. He thinks they’re too difficult and has never been able to beat Brock in Gen One, even when trades with a level hundred Blastoise from another game. He keeps forgetting the type advantages and teaches his Pokémon moves that can’t actually kill the opponent.

Every female Gym Leader is designed with Masuda’s personal sexual preference in mind, and girls are brought in from all over Japan to please him. This is where the budget for Sword and Shield went. Going straight to Jeffrey Epstein to fund this operation. By the way Epstein didn’t kill himself.

It is jot enough to rape  young girls. Masuda’s tastes are far too sinister for that. He takes sexual pleasures in removing beloved features in Pokemon games. He masturbates with a hollowed out Pokemon Green cartridge while reading angry 2ch posts.

please. Listen to me. Although I am a rape victim, one of several, I don’t care what’s happened to me. I don’t care what happens to the people I’ve been imprisoned with or what happens to Masuda.

All I want is for the National Dex to make a return in Sword and Shield. Gotta catch em all!

Astral Chain: The most Problematic game of the Year

Social Justice in games is becoming a well discussed topic among intellectuals in the gaming community like Jim Sterling and Extra Credits. I, Isabelle Sunny Moon, would very much like to throw my own hat into the ring in regards to this subject with my new series. Problematics in Video games.

Although Western games in recent years have become incredibly progressive and friendly to WLGBTQP indivduals, Japanese games have becoming increasingly known for being incredibly problematic. Nintendo games in particular are a strong offender, as they still seem to think that it is acceptable to design entire games around the concept of rescuing a woman.

In a lot of ways Astral Chain is worse than even that. I could not believe the amount of problematic material that is present in this one release. There were a couple of things I complained about on twitter when the first trailer was released, and I still maintain that these are serious issues.

First, and perhaps most importantly… the oversexualized female character design. Although I applaud the developers for attempting to create a narrative that is virtually unchanged whether or not you choose a male or female character, a narrative that allows the female character to kick ass and take names, the female PC’s design is incredible problematic. That tiny waist. Those shorts. That ass that is somehow always in frame.  Those stockings.

Well okay I love the stockings and definitely am going to buy something like that for my next GF but my point still stands that real women DO NOT LOOK LIKE THIS. It’s disgusting how often she’s sexually portrayed for the benefit of male viewer. In the male path she must recover from a severe injury at once point and shows a lot of skin. You see a lot of her breats and that abnormally flat stomach. Disgusting.

Other female characters aren’t much better. Most fail the Bechdel test in that the vast majority of them revolve their lives around men. Blatant offenders are Alicia and Marie.

What should have been a story about badass female cops kicking ass and smashing the patriarchy becomes a mess when you realize that the men in the game are not the villains! Instead of arresting male criminals you are mostly fighting an otherworldly entity… which seems to like taking the form of oversexualized females.

Also there’s no lesbian dating option. I wanna be with ALL of these girls. PlatinumGames… you know what to do!

Roger Ebert returns from Grave to review Death Stranding

Death Stranding has been a momental success. Everything from it’s acting to the pacing to the story was meticulously crafted by mastermind Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima by hand. Developing a small indie game entirely Solo with no backing from Konami may have seemed daunting and even impossible, but Kojima has singlehandedly developed the greatest game of the year, and perhaps of all time until The Last of Us 2 comes out.

Death Stranding is so good, in fact, that legendary film reviewer Roger Ebert was channeled via a Fey family Spirit medium to cover the release. Ebert, who has long been critical of the idea of games being set, had this to say:

”Games will never be art. However Death Stranding is more than a game. It is a film, and as such I consider it higher than a game. I still hate it though.”

Ebert, unable to clear the game even on the Very Easy mode that was specifically designed for his use, resorted to watching all of the game’s cutscenes on YouTube.

“The film is an incomprehensible mess.” Ebert complained. “The acting is poor, the dialogue is stilted, and I don’t care about these characters.”

Upon being informed of these criticisms, Kojima simply responded that he had made such a deep, insightful storyline that many who misunderstood it’s message would hate it. He himself couldn’t understand it.

”One would have to watch many Rick and Morty episodes in order to understand Death Stranding.” One Twitter user said.

Gene Siskel, Roger’s longtime partner was unavailable for comment as he is currently burning in hell for not liking Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

Epic Games Store becomes first Ghost Store

It is no secret that the Epic Game Store has had a bit of a rocky start. Fans and critics alike have not been too fond of the new store for a number of reasons, and it is well known among gaming enthusiasts that the Epic Game Store, more commonly known as the EGS, is not exactly popular. However a recent report seems to indicate that the Epic Games Store is far more unpopular than anyone could have imagined.

Not a single purchase has ever been made on the service. No accounts have been made. For the purposes of this article we here at TheHeroes7 tried to register an account and play a round of Fortnite, but were shocked to discover that the register button was broken. The Epic Games Store is so unpopular, and so hated among its userbase, that it has become a ‘ghost’ server. A completely empty waste of space on the internet that is only notable for being the reason that certain games are not coming to Steam.

What may surprise you even more is that this is completely intentional. The EGS relishes in the negative attention and needs it to thrive and grow and remain relevant. The EGS is not a game store so much as it centerpiece for something far more sinister.

The EGS is empty, so cut off from the rest of the internet and the rest of society that it has become more than a failed game store that no one uses. It is the center of something more, something otherworldly. It very well be the first proven instance of an online store being possessed by actual fucking ghosts.

Similar to how ghost towns and abandoned amusement parks tend to attract wayward spirits, the EGS seems to have drawn in a group of spirits. Renowned paranormal investigators such as Chris Bores seem to agree that the haunting of online communities and stores is quite different than regular hauntings and possessions. Users attempting to log into and use the EGS run into a number of issues, including random flashes on the screen that replace the store with a woman with flaming blue hair and laughter blaring through your speakers… even if they’re turned down or off. This writer experienced a situation where the laughing got louder and louder, despite trying everything to turn the volume off.

We know very little about these ghosts- yet. But certain online researchers believe that online hauntings may become more and more common as online suicides and disasters become more and more common on Youtube and other platforms.

As to the Epic Game Store specifically, the EGS? No one knows who these ghosts are or what they want. We know they are all female. We know they enjoy angsty whiny music aimed at teenagers.We know the flaming hair. We know the words- EGS. Epic Games Store. But there have been reports that EGS has some kind of supernatural, otherworldly meaning. It may mean something else to these ghosts. There have been whisperings that the EGS does not stand for Epic Games Store at all, and instead stands for something completely different, with a long, sordid history online.

Ember Ghost Squad. The Ember Ghost Squad is the Epic Game Store.

Top Fortnite Players slam Toby Fox

Professional Fortnite players spend their days training to compete in grand tournaments with huge prize pools. One may think that these individuals despise each other more than anything, but that could not be further from the truth.

“It’s a competition.” Top pro Apolloyon, who was recently walked away from a tournament with several million dollars. “You can’t help but respect your competition.”

The atmosphere among the professional scene itself may be amicable and friendly, far more so than most other competitive gaming scenes. Which is why so many were amazed when Apolloyon, during his victory speech closed off with a surprising statement.

“Fuck Undertale, and fuck Toby Fox.”

Although Apolloyon was fined several thousand dollars for his statement, he was quick to reveal on twitter that he was not at all regretful of what he had done. And in fact, nearly every single player in the scene agrees with him.

“That should be a hashtag.” Ninja said, on twitter. “#FuckTobyFox”

Why exactly do Fortnite professionals have such a problem with Undertale, one of the most successful and critically accalimed games ever made?”

“He’s arrogant.” Apolloyon said, in his post tournament interview. “He and his fans always go on about how rich he is and how successful Undertale has made him, when virtually every pro in the Fortnite scene makes more than his net worth every weekend.”

Not only were other pros quick to verify his statement, several Youtubers revealed that it was also the case for them. Fortnite, in their eyes, is more popular than Undertale ever was.

Toby Fox has become notorious among Fortnite pros and their fans for his tendency to make appearances at Fortnite events and conventions. Fox will spend $45,000 to sit at a desk and sign autographs.

“We’re always asked what he’s doing there.” Apolloyon said. “And I’m just like… I don’t know.”

“He loves being the center of attention.” Another pro who wished to remain anonymous informed us. “And he’ll do anything for that attention.”

Fox has reached out to Epic numerous times  to try and implement Undertale content into Fortnite, but Epic was quick to refuse.

“Undertale is a game that deserves to stay exclusive to Steam.” Tim Sweeney stated in an interview. “We have no intentions of allowing Undertale into the Ember Ghost Squad- the Epic Games Store ever.”

Toby Fox has not been deterred. He has reached out to another famous game developer CryZenX, the man that Nintendo needs to hire for putting Ocarina of Time on Unreal Engine 4.

“We’re going to remake Undertale.” Fox said. “On Unreal Engine 4 with realistic visuals. I estimate that should sell about a billion copies. With all that money and resources, I shall acquire Epic in order to obtain what the fans want more than anything in the world. Sans in Fortnite.”

Fox also confirmed that Undertale would be coming to Super Smash Bros Ultimate, sooner rather than later.

“I talk to Sakurai about Undertale almost daily.” He said. “It will happen. Sakurai and Shigesato Itoi both love Undertale and want to see it in Smash.”

Toby Fox is undoubtedly a genius with an incredibly large penis. This gaming journalist likes to think that Fortnite pros are simply upset that Toby Fox upstages them at their own events.

#FuckTobyFox? More like… #IFuckTobyFox

 

 

 

The hopes and dreams of Travis Strikes Again: No More Heroes

Travis will Strike Again.

Rain, Sun, and Flower

If you need a summary of the story: https://pastebin.com/VyS08R7M

Travis Strikes Again is Suda’s most personal game yet. Showing his most vulnerable side since the original Silver Case, Suda is throwing all his cards into this one game that happens at a crossroad for the company. Grasshopper Manufacture have been considerably downsized down to 25 employees, they have moved offices away from Gung-Ho, their parent company, hinting at a split between both of them, and we know of at least Hideyuki Shin (director of Killer is Dead and Let it Die) leaving the company behind.

But this game is also the return of Suda51 at the directorial chair, something many fans wanted for a decade. It is also their first attempt at self-publishing since their inception. All of this points to Suda tidying up its business in order to go back to the right track. It is even more important…

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Industry Insider reveals that everyone in Overwatch is gay

Tracer made headlines two years ago when she was revealed as the first ever lesbian video game character to be featured in a video game. History has repeated itself with the recent revelation that Soldier 76 has had a relationship with another man, And if recent insider information from notable video game insider Liam Robertson is any indication, every single playable character in Overwatch is gay.

“Blizzard has done more than simply tack on a sexuality to a pre-existing character.” Robertson revealed to us. “It was the developers’ intent from the very beginning to be the first major AAA release with an entirely LGBT cast.”

Details are still scarce on the specifics, but Robertson has confirmed that new tie in comics will elaborate more on the cast and their colorful history with partners. It was also confirmed to us that iconic franchises like Diablo and Warcraft will receive much more LGBT representation than they did in the past.

“Diablo Immortal very well be the first time that an openly gay character goes up against an equally gay villain. The possibilities are endless!”

Blizzard is well on its way to becoming the most progressive video game company out there. They certainly have my, and my partners, support.